While our politically correct scholar friends have made genuine progress in updating the inconvenient scriptures, much work remains to be done to overcome the heavy hand of the patriarchy and big business on the Word. Here is my little contribution to progress:
Inspired by Gaia, Noah learned that the smoke and greenhouse gases from widespread animal sacrifice and other wasteful uses of energy were causing global warming. Fearing that the ice caps would melt and cause catastrophic flooding, Noah and her partner crafted a giant ship, The Earth Goddess, and began the ultimate exercise in diversity: gathering up hundreds of animal species to prevent their extinction should mankind destroy much of the ecosystem with climate change and flooding. Big business and right-wing politicos scoffed, but she was undaunted.
After many years, Noah's prophecy of catastrophic flooding came true. Fortunately, when the ice caps began to melt and great glacial lakes were suddenly released, Noah and her animals were safely and peacefully living in the arc, where even the carnivores embraced their inner vegans and learned to make do with tofu-based mock carcass and other treats. Noah rejoiced that the animals were saved, and rejoiced even more that the flooding, tragic as it was, had helped solve the other major crisis that had troubled Noah: human overpopulation. With the elimination of the human race and the rescuing of diverse animal species, there was now hope for the Earth.
The story would have ended happily at that point, were it not for that one fatal character flaw of our heroine, Noah, and the thing she had for that darned vegan male she brought on board. Turns out he wasn't completely gay after all, and thus the cycle of human population growth and environmental havoc began all over again a few years later. But perhaps we can learn from the mistakes of the past.
Tragically, the male also wasn't completely vegan, and among the many male weaknesses he had, he simply couldn't result a thick juicy steak. Thus came the extinction of the mammoth and several other species.
(If there is any point to this facetious post, it is to remind us that cultural and political pressures can result in corruptions to a text and certainly to how a text is interpreted. The corruption of some parts of ancient scripture is an important theme that I'll address again soon.)