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Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Fed Calls Upon Counterfeiters for Help


The Federal Reserve Bank and the US Department of the Treasury jointly issued an emergency appeal today to counterfeiters across America to help in the Herculean task of creating more dollars to stimulate the economy. “Treasury's printing presses are running 24/7 at 120% capacity,” said Kasha Cummin, Director of Treasury's Currency Production Office. “We’re still not able to meet the demand for more currency -- not with all this bailout activity and added Congressional spending. We can’t afford to wait for more presses to be built -- we need help from the pros who are already out there.”

Electronic cash creation is painless and efficient, but physical currency is still needed for many sectors of the economy and can’t keep up. “Without loads of added cash visibly in circulation, people might think there is not enough paper backing the dollar today, and that could result in lost confidence in the dollar,” Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke explained to reporters during a helicopter flight over Manhattan, where the Chairman was dumping bales of cash into blighted neighborhoods suffering from economic distress. After dumping his last bale onto Wall Street, he observed: “This stuff doesn’t grow on trees, you know. We need more now.”

The Fed and the Treasury are asking all skilled counterfeiters to join in the effort to create as much cash as possible in the next 12 months. Presidential pardons for past and selected future crimes will be issued to qualified participants, a Bush Administration spokesman said. Qualified counterfeiters are asked to bring their goods to a local Federal Reserve Bank, where they will be given 80 cents on the dollar as credit in tax-free electronic accounts that they can use almost anywhere -- Amazon, iTunes, Congress, etc.

“America appreciates the skilled help of those who have been augmenting the work of the Federal Reserve Bank for years. Now we ask you to step it up in this time of national emergency,” President Bush said.

Unfortunately, the American Union of Counterfeiters (AUC) is balking at the proposal. “We’ve been running an honest shop for decades, stimulating the economy and greasing the wheels of commerce,” said AUC President Bill Supplenti in a statement issued this afternoon. “We’ve avoided irresponsible dumping of cash that would weaken confidence in the dollar. Now the Fed is asking us to engage in insane inflationary actions that will ultimately destroy the value of our business, and weaken this great nation. Even though many of our members have been persecuted by the government in the past, we are loyal Americans and we want this country to survive. We cannot endorse the Fed’s actions. At least not as long as they are taking an unfair 20% cut.”

AUC’s lobbying group is pressuring Congress to resist the offer. The efforts, admittedly, may not succeed. Head lobbyist Grace Moore-Palms complained that she can’t compete with the monetary resources the Dept. of Treasury is using to influence Congress. “When Henry Paulson can dip into his trillion dollar fund to help Congressmen see things his way, there’s no way our briefcases of beautifully crafted cash can compete. We’re having to appeal to higher values than cash alone – patriotism, the future of the country, the welfare of our grandchildren, the wellbeing of mankind – obviously, that’s not going to get us very far with this batch of Congressmen. We’re looking for a global warming angle, but it’s a long shot.”

Recognizing that American counterfeiters may not cooperate to meet the Fed's currency creation goals, economic advisors for President-elect Obama are currently meeting with the Finance Ministry of Zimbabwe to explore collaborative efforts in currency creation.

Meanwhile, if you are a skilled counterfeiter of US currency, the US Government is asking that you contact your local Federal Reserve Bank as soon as possible for details on how you can help.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

HI Jeff,

Looks like more insanity from the Bush administration. If we don't have the money, we shouldn't be spending it. But, under American politics, if we don't have the money...hey, we'll just print more. This makes a lot of sense.

Catholic Defender

Bruce Crow said...

Insanity comes from many sources. But I really can't fault either party. If I had over a trillion dollars to spend with no accountability, I'd be reckless and irresponsible too.

PassTheChips said...

Zimbabwe here we come. At least our debt will be cheaper to pay back.

gentlyhewstone said...

Ooooh, careful with the satire there, Jeff. You might accidentally give the bad guys ideas. Remember when the anti-tobacco lawsuits started in the 90's, and Jay Leno joked about people suing McDonald's for making them fat?

It's almost like the Powers That Be are getting their ideas from humorists, now. I might end up regretting my recent crack about gay people boycotting "Twilight" when Stephenie Meyer ends up begging for change on the sidewalk.

kannie said...

BRILLIANT. Absolutely BRILLIANT. :-) Thanks for finding a funny in this mess! :-)

Seth said...

Good job on creating a well written satire of our current economic problems. I have enjoyed reading your blog immensely.

Scott and Jillian said...

Ha ha ha. That's awesome!

Anonymous said...

Is than an audition to become a staff writer for The Onion?

Ryan said...

You know, I wasn't sure where the facts left off and the satire began... until this morning when the NPR news reported that the Fed was "pulling out all the stops" and "printing money" in an effort to stem the recession.

Scary. Were you making any of it up or just saying it in a humorous way? Will NPR be talking about counterfeiters tomorrow, too?

Liberal Mormon said...

Who are you on mormonapologetics? Add a follow this blog widget so we can all follow your blog!

Anonymous said...

Careful with the technicalities. The Fed doesn't do the actual printing, it's the Treasury. You have no idea how many Keynesians will get their panties in a bunch if you say the Fed prints money.

Mormanity said...

Slight tweak to acknowledge that the printing of bogus paper money, unbacked by gold, silver, or anything with intrinsic value, is actually conducted by the Treasury and not their sister in crime, the Fed, that unaccountable private bank that rules our economy and creates electronic money out of thin air with fractional banking and other means. (For the benefit of - who exactly? Shouldn't we know who benefits? And shouldn't we know exactly who is getting our money from Paulson, and why?)

Ritsumei said...

Very funny. Too bad it's so close to true! I liked to it.