Discussions of Mormons and Mormon life, Book of Mormon issues and evidences, and other Latter-day Saint (LDS) topics.

Sunday, March 06, 2011

Methuselah and the Patriarchs: Bizarre Longevity Explained?

How did the early patriarchs in Genesis manage to live for hundreds of years? Methuselah, for example, lived to be over 900 years old. Remember, this was before multilevel marketing and long before informercials, so they had no chance to buy the latest longevity-enhancing miracle foods. This was even before multivitamins, before x-rays, before antibiotics, and still long before pharmaceutical companies crafted the brew of 30 or 40 pulls a day that many folks need to reach even 70 years of age. How could those guys live so long?

This was a mystery until the very recent discovery of the Not Quite Dead Sea Scrolls. Though authenticity still needs to be verified, there are several exciting breakthroughs in knowledge from this collection of early writings engraved on ancient aluminum foil. Scroll MX13 indicates that the earliest records were kept by the world's first company, Adam & Sons LLC, a law firm. Those 969 years that Methuselah put in? That's billable hours. Yes, the entire history of the patriarchs was recorded in billable hours. Methuselah's life span based on conventional time was actually around 62 years.

Those who weren't partners in Adams & Sons didn't get nearly as many hours credited to their accounts, for some reason, and arguably were short-changed in the record keeping. For example, the billion of years required for the preparation and creation of the earth were credited with just six days of work.

Another clash between science and the Bible has been resolved. It's about time.

11 comments:

Darin said...

Aww man! You had me goin'. I thought you were finally gonna answer one of my long time questions and lo and behold, nada. Thanks for nothing. Unless that is you can point me in the right direction for the real answer.

Greg said...

LOL

C T said...

This lawyer's laughing! Thanks. :)

FelixAndAva said...

Very funny, Jeff. :)

Thanks for the chuckle.

Papa D said...

Really enjoyed this one, Jeff. Thanks for the laugh!

Merry said...

Hahaha!

Openminded said...

Hahah, nice one Jeff.

(poor Darin...)

Jeff Lindsay: said...

Darin, I haven't left my readers without hope. The answer is there, hidden in my text. Just apply the techniques in the Bible Code to rearrange the letters, after converting them to Hebrew, of course. Use prime numbers, the Fibonacci series, and the string of 7 digits following the first "777" in pi, scramble and resort accordingly, and voila, after you try enough combinations, you'll find something that makes sense and have the answer. Or something.

This comment required 6 hours of billable time. Where should I send the invoice?

Jillian said...

Lol! Nice. :)

Anonymous said...

You neglected the major competing theory, that of Thomas Hobbes. Back in Methuselah's time life was nasty, brutish, and short, so even though he really only lived to be 70, it seemed like 969.

Darin said...

As per your instructions and my calculations, Methuselah should be a 29 year old donkey from California. Huh?

Oh, and you can send that invoice to my attorney's address at 321 Bull Honkey Ave., UnsubscribeMe, Utah 84379er